How do I ran for DPL?

a) Introduction/Biography

The Project Secretary suggested I divide this page into three sections. The titles he suggested seemed good enough, so I might as well copy them verbatim. This is the "Introduction/Biography" section where I tell you a little bit about myself since some of you may not know me very well.

I was born in New Jersey, one of the many states making up the United States of America. I came home, went to school, then joined the Debian Project. Here is an illustration of my life history so far:

I am honored to be this year's half-joke candidate. "Why only half?" I hear you asking. Well, for one, I don't have the humor potential to be a fully-joke candidate. Additionally, if elected, I would only serve as half-DPL. There is currently no provision in the Constitution for half-DPLs; if elected, I would immediately and indefatigably ask for the commission of a panel to investigate what to do with the other half of the DPL post. If you don't agree with my platform, don't feel bad about voting for me, since everyone forgets about the DPL platforms after the election anyway.

b) Major Goal/ Meat of the platform,

Subsection Roman Numeral I
In which I satirize Project Scud

I'm pleased to introduce the formation of a joint leadership group, code-named Team Ari: Debian Police. The current membership is a secret, but Zeke the cat has allowed me to announce his participation. If I am elected, these prestigious lifeforms will report back to me about their respective areas of expertise to help me more eloquently do my job as DPL.
As you can tell from the following bitmap-to-vector-to-bitmap image, Zeke is thrilled to be part of Team Ari.

Subsection Deux
Where I talk about the issues

There has been some concern in recent months about a number of issues which affect the very foundation of Debian and its plans for world domination. Some of the prominent issues have been:

Frankly, it seems like we're paying way too much attention to this whole "license" thing. I mean, who needs such complicated licenses, anyway? I propose that all software in Debian be relicensed under similar terms to my popular Gnocchi software, which has the following copyright notice: # © 2006 Ari Pollak
# You may not look at this program.

Also, we should remove all pictures taken by cameras with non-free firmware from the Debian Project. Except the pictures used on this page.


Lastly, I'd like to introduce a new Debian GNU/Plan 9 port, code-named Snakes on a Plan 9. Here's some advertising material to go along with the new port:

c) Rebuttal.

I liked this section so much that I decided to include it before I saw any of the other candidates' platforms.

Debuttal

Some of my detractors have accused me of being a Teletubby. For them, I have changed the name of my GNU/Plan 9 port to Teletubbies on a Plan 9. Here is some new advertising material to go along with it:
this is a graphic that contains pictures

And who needs a code of conduct when we have this?
Every time you start a flamewar, God kills a kitten. Please, think of the kittens.